Every 5K Fun Run ... Ever

Every 5K Fun Run ... Ever

Kiel Welk -

Saturday - AM 

7:00 - Wake up remembering it's race day.
7:05 - "no coffee, drink water. Hydrate."
8:00 - Drive to Starting Line. Mass confusion. Race number, chip timer, "Where do I put my gift bag? ... Why do they give it to you now? Why not at the end?"
8:15 - Witness scores of other runners enjoying coffee, walking to the starting line.
8:18 - Quickly buy coffee from nearby coffee shop
8:19 - Burn tongue
8:30 - Finish 11/16ths of small coffee, quickly find trash can, return to line up
8:33 - "Looks like it's starting a little later than expected"
8:38 - "Oh, yeah. Stretching...right?"
8:40 - Ironically wear cotton t-shirt featuring beer company you like
8:41 - Regret wearing cotton t-shirt featuring beer company you like.
8:42 - "I wish I had one of those phone cases that attaches to your arm. I'm afraid I'm going to drop this."
8:45 - "I just heard the crowd cheer. I think we started." 
"What?" 
"We're starting" 
"What?" 
"Take your earbuds out! We're starting" 
"Yeah, it's 8:45
"You told me 8:30?!?" 
"You're always late." (Puts earbuds back in.)

RACE BEGINS

8:50 - "Where did all of these strollers come from?"

8:52 - Curse yourself for not choosing a starting point farther forward. Dodge the walkers that appear out of nowhere. Get passed by a guy sprinting.

8:55 - Pass 250 people in first mile. Feel great about yourself.

8:58 - Quickly realize your pace is too fast, try to adjust. See the sprinting guy walking with hand on side, red-faced, sweating profusely.
9:00 - Change music to something faster and louder.
9:02 - Wish you would have worn a running shirt that wicks away moisture. (https://www.proozy.com/collections/fitness-gear-apparel/products/under-armour-mens-ua-tech-t-shirt?variant=33620097932
9:04 - Witness a few "serious runners" using kinesiology tape. Be confused as to how to use it effectively. Wish that you took this more seriously. 
9:06 - Cheered on by faceless onlookers, feel silly. Read sign held by child reading "DON'T TRUST A FART". Giggle.
9:09 - Knees Hurt. Breathe in 1.2.3.4, blow out 1.2.3.4. This is my life now.
9:10 - Breathe in 1.2.3. breathe out 1.2.3. "I should have gotten new running shoes"
9:11 - "Oh, yeah, we didn't turn around. We're almost done... There's the finish!"
9:12 - Sprint to finish, feeling accomplished. (THEY CALLED MY NAME ON THE LOUDSPEAKER!)

RACE ENDS

9:15 - Walking aimlessly, eating half of a banana and no fewer than 3 orange slices.
9:21 - Check your finish time. Finally realize that there is a red pasta sauce stain on the side of your shorts.  

9:48 - Home. Shower. Make grand plans for the afternoon.
11:00 - More coffee.
1:12 - Unplanned, Uncontrolled, Nap.

1 comment

  • Scott Tenley

    This is so funny… and true! :I

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